S.T.E.F.A.N.

My three year old is establishing dominance and discombobulating potential abductors by approaching all the adults in the playground and offering them ice cream.

The Cecropia moth is born without a mouth. It cannot eat. It emerges only to mate and die. Nature gave it magnificent wings and ten days of starvation. It is the universe's most honest creature. It lives without pretense.

Who hurt me? Um, how about the world, you insensitive jerk?

Boss: Is everything ok?

Me: Yeah, I've been vibe-coding just like you asked.

Boss: All your recent updates just output "work sucks" over and over...

Me: Well yeah. That's a vibe.

Dear news sites:
Your "Turn off your adblocker" wall doesn't work. We aren't turning it off. We won't talk about your article. We won't share it. We will just leave. You're only ghosting your own traffic and engagement.

Calling a little kid Gary would feel weird, like calling him 'sir.'
@StefanThinks@beige.party

Damien, the stereotypical name for an evil or creepy kid, is not as scary as a kid named Gary.

Sorry, I was vague-posting obscure song lyrics that sound like cringey hot takes on current events, it was just a coincidence.

The fact that the Minions never alarm or raise questions from the humans they encounter implies there are non-minion members of their species that are ubiquitous and fully integrated into their world's general population.

Before kids, I would hear people complain about how kids ask a lot of questions and thought it was cynical to squash curiosity. But after kids, I'm like, "Well, remember when I told you why it gets dark yesterday and every day for the last 2 months? That's still why."

a giant ravioli filled with lasagna

I was getting my toddler ready for his snack time and playfully asked if he was going to share his candy with me, and he protested, “No!" and then leaned in to check my breath and continued, “No! You already had your candy!" Geez, so much for taking candy away from a baby being the epitome of easy.

I was getting my toddler ready for his snack time and playfully asked if he was going to share his candy with me, and he protested, “No!" and then leaned in to check my breath and continued, “No! You already had your candy!" Geez, so much for taking candy away from a baby being the epitome of easy.

My 3yo saw a picture of Muhammad Ali and asked “who’s that punchy man?” And I think we should all start referring to boxers that way.

the bbq joint ran out of mac & cheese, trump has no idea about the pandora’s box he just unlocked

A true friendly reminder doesn't have to announce it's a friendly reminder.

I'm sorry I led you on, but that was the only way I could get someone to check me for ticks.

Tech Companies are like:

Respect for your privacy is all we think about every second of every day, it is our religion, it is in our blood, and we will fucking die defending your right to privacy from any company, government, or deity. *

* Unless it becomes slightly inconvenient for us

https://www.404media.co/proton-mail-helped-fbi-unmask-anonymous-stop-cop-city-protestor/

I thought about getting a job in the government sector, but I don't have any experience in reality television, mixed martial arts, grifting, white nationalism, or being wealthy. I guess I'll have to learn to code.

Interviewer: Can you tell me why you want to work for Auto Zone?

Me, on the phone: Sure thing! I just need to finish up with this customer call.

*twenty minutes later*

Me, still on the phone: ...

Interviewer: Impressive. You're hired!

I’ve decided to start a new blog called “Stefan’s Random Musings.” I’ll put in a lot of effort to post to it for about a week, then gradually taper off the frequency to about once a year until I just completely abandon it and leave it up for the rest of eternity.

Who is the mist setting on showerheads even for? People who want the experience of being a head of lettuce at the grocery store?

A social media app where people are limited to only post “Hey! Look at me!” They can only comment, “Also, look at me!” Favorites are called “I looked at this!” and reposts are called “Hey! Look at this!”

The protagonist in this movie accomplished like 4 tasks in the morning, unbelievable storyline.

Chocolate covered strawberries taste mid, it’s not an interesting flavor pairing. It’s one of those things where the idea is better than the execution.

Every time someone ends up being a super creep or jerk, I already knew because I got the vibe from them, I just didn’t know exactly what they did. (I’m a misanthrope).

tried to buy some robux but my credit score was too low

the highest form of compliment my wife can give a Thai or Lao restaurant is if she brings her own pork rinds

explaining to the kid at the car wash trying to upsell me to the monthly unlimited wash plan how executive dysfunctional brains work and how if i enroll, i will never get a car wash ESPECIALLY because it is unlimited

oh wow, that’s so cool the stock market is doing well! so we all get a bonus or a raise or something or nah?

I like how clearance items are like "Was $99.99, Now $98.99!" Wow, I better get five so I can at least say I saved $5.

Grated cheese, for people who love pizza but hate crust, tomato sauce, pepperoni, and things that were in an oven!

farting is not a crime

if you sit down to listen to your enemy you might realize how much you actually have in common, like how much you hate each other

go touch fiberglass

Kid Rock claiming Bad Bunny only got the Super Bowl because of DEI, while Rock cancels tour dates and Bad Bunny sells out stadiums, is the perfect metaphor for the oblivious, jealous conceit of white grievance.

we may all be idiots on this idiotic spaceship being piloted by idiots but at least we can be nice to each other

“Honey, don’t stare, but I think our waiter is Bad Bunny!” – one of those people who thought the Super Bowl kid was Liam Ramos, at a Filipino restaurant

Sorry, the sandals stay on during sex. I have a doctor’s note.

you want them to abide by the constitution? you mean the text based rorschach test?

once you all watch the movie based on a stephen king novel until the ending, it’s over for you bitches